Maelstorm FillIns
by PTBvisiongrrl
Summary: What I think was missing from the episode and what might have caused Kara to decide to give up so easily...
1. Chapter 1

**FIC TITLE**: Maelstorm One-Shot Fill-Ins/Legacy of the Algae Planet

_Work In Progress_

**Author**- PTBvisiongrrl

**Part-** 1/5

**Date-** 3-12-07

**Rating** – R (MOSTLY FOR LANGUAGE AND TOPICAL ISSUES)

**Pairings/Characters**- Lee/Kara

**Word Count- **669

**Category-** Short Story

**Genre-** Angst

**Archiving-** The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!

**Warnings-** Not really- just language…

**Spoilers-** THROUGH SEASON THREE

**Disclaimers-** _Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…_

**Summary- **Why does Kara give up so easily?

Okay, I know I have two other BSG fics unfinished out there, but I couldn't help myself. I have had about ten story ideas in the past two days, and this one is something that I really felt that I needed to do.

I found Maelstorm to be a good and bad episode; I liked a great deal of what I saw, but I felt that there were quite a few missing scenes. So, I am going to try and fill in what I wanted to see/thought needed to happen.

Please fell free to comment and/or criticize.

Chapter One- Legacy of the Algae Planet

Kara wasn't sure exactly how it happened. The close call on the algae planet had changed the nature of their relationship, made them more desperate, if anything; the threat of loss strengthened their desire. One minute, Lee wouldn't cheat, and she wouldn't divorce. Suddenly, she was asking if he would leave Dee if she would leave Sam; they were frakking in a supply closet. Then-

Lee was with Dee, trying to save his marriage, and Kara was with Sam, trying to wipe the loss of Lee from her mind. She was no more sure how this had happened than the frakking. Lee's long looks across the bar told her all she needed to know, though. Straight as an arrow, by the book Lee was back; the angst and furor was over. He was not leaving Dee.

It didn't hurt quite as much as she thought that it would. In reality, it was not a surprise. Lee went for the stable, trustworthy wife instead of the fickle, screwed up lover. How could she blame him?

At least for that. She could still blame him for getting her pregnant.

Her suspicions about her condition were confirmed the minute Cottle entered her curtained cubicle, clipboard in hand. "You're a month along. You have one more until you can't fly anymore."

She nodded. "Can you delay reporting this until then?"

Cottle nodded as well. "I take it you want to tell the father first? Because it sure as hell isn't your husband, after his extended stay on an irradiated planet."

Kara was very glad that at least some information about her condition was confidential. If she didn't tell Lee that he was the father, Cottle couldn't, either. Small blessings. "No. I'm not telling him. I want to it taken care of."

Taken aback, Cottle drew in a smoky breath deeply, then released it. "Can't help you there, Thrace, orders of the president." He actually didn't sound very happy about it.

"I know, Doc. Wouldn't want you thrown into the brig." Kara scooted off the table. "I'll see you in a month."

Cottle let her go, as she knew he would. Having treated her injuries extensively, she was pretty sure he understood at least part of her reason for doing this. "No more than a month, Thrace. Or I will have to say something."

She looked over her shoulder. "I know, Doc." Then she left life station, heading directly to Dogsville to find a Sagitaron healer who could help her get rid of this baby. The Sagitarons, viewing medicine as evil, had more natural methods of dealing with sicknesses and such, and didn't see the law as something to uphold when it came to medicine. Before abortion was legal in the colonials, many a woman had gone for a short, sudden vacation to Sagitaron.

It was easy to find a healer, harder to find one who would do what she needed. This was going to take longer than she thought it would. The _Prometheus_ was going to be her next stop, on her leave pass in three days. The hallucinations and dreams started that night.

Kara knew that the dreams and hallucinations were a result of the pregnancy, and that confirmation from Cottle today was only going to make it worse. The broken child she had been- that she did not want to have her child be- was haunting her. Kara knew that she was not mother material; knew that if she had a child, she would become her own mother, something Kara had sworn to herself would never happen.

There was nothing else to do, really. Lee was married, and this would upset the bright, shiny future that he had tried to make for himself. She would not allow that. She loved him too much. She had forced him away once, and become weak. She would not this time. He would never know. The abortion would be over with long before anyone would begin to suspect.


	2. Chapter 2

**FIC TITLE**: Maelstorm The Prodigal Daughter's Reconciliation

_Work In Progress_

**Author**- PTBvisiongrrl

**Part-** 2/5

**Date-** 3-12-07

**Rating** – R (MOSTLY FOR LANGUAGE AND TOPICAL ISSUES)

**Pairings/Characters**- Lee/Kara

**Word Count- **1505

**Category-** Short Story

**Genre-** Angst

**Archiving-** The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!

**Warnings-** Not really- just language…

**Spoilers-** THROUGH SEASON THREE

**Disclaimers-** _Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…_

**Summary- **Why does Kara give up so easily?

**Chapter Two:**

**The Prodigal Daughter's Reconciliation**

The familiar, gravelly voice calmed the violent twisting in her gut. Once a favorite, she had not spoken to the Admiral alone since she had asked his permission to leave the military and settle on New Caprica. She half-remembered her de-briefing upon the colonists' rescue, with Helo, Lee, and the Admiral; the Admiral had given her a compassionate look before dismissing her, but had never spoken directly to her about it. At the time, she had preferred to try and forget the hell on that planet, but she had recently come to the conclusion that ignoring it had not been beneficial, judging from her hallucinations. Then, after the rescue, she had declined in to her downward spiral, which she was still clawing her way up from now.

She needed to get some things worked out in her life. Recent events had magnified the necessity for her, and she was finally going to act like an adult and deal with things. There was no one else she could talk to; Lee was not an option these days, as he had clearly (and understandably) chosen Dee over her. Sam- well, she and Sam were complicated enough. Kara in no way wanted to discuss these things with him in addition to the problem of their own marriage. She and Tigh were on better terms these days, but Tigh had his own issues from planet-side life and was in no way able to help her deal with her own.

So here she was, knocking on the hatch of a man she had once thought of as a father. Entering, she fell into attention and waited for him to speak. "Is this an official call, Captain Thrace?" he asked from behind his massive desk.

Trust Adama, even through his disgust at her recent behavior, to read her well. "No, sir."

"Then at ease, Kara." The admiral took his glasses off and looked at her speculatively. "It's been a while since it's been unofficial. How are you?"

"Better than last time we talked, sir." Kara gave him a slight smile. "I've done my best to turn it around."

Adama nodded. "So I've noticed. I'm glad that you've decided to return to the land of the living."

"Trying." Licking her lips, Kara tried to decide how to proceed. "It hasn't been easy."

Adama motioned to the couch and took two glasses and a bottle of ambrosia over to it. Pouring a couple fingers, he handed one to Kara and sat back with his own. "After hearing what happened to you- it wouldn't be. But it's not the first time you've had to rebuild yourself. You can do it again."

Kara closed her eyes for a minute. "Thank you for your faith, sir. I'm not so sure, myself."

"I'm guessing nightmares or flashbacks." Adama sucked a taste of the alcohol back, waiting for her to open her eyes before continuing. "Or both."

Looking distant and very unsure, for Starbuck, Kara nodded. "The nightmares make it impossible to sleep, and the meds for it make it impossible to fly. I chose the nightmares."

The admiral could understand. Flying was the only thing that Kara had had after Zak's death, too. It was what had kept her with them. She didn't know that he knew how close she had come to giving up after Zak. "I probably would, too. But if you're here talking to me about this…"

"I'm still capable of flying, sir." Her eyes were almost desperate.

"I will trust that you or Doc Cottle will let me know if you aren't." He pulled on his drink again. Hers was still untouched, unusual for her, and she had placed it on the table.

He began to have an inkling that there was something much worse than flashbacks on her mind, but he wasn't sure what just yet. Her next words confirmed it. "I want to-" he could see her eyes tear up, though not fall yet- "I want to apologize."

Adama quirked up an eyebrow. He had very rarely heard Kara apologize for anything. "Apologize for what?"

Kara laughed, a wet, high-pitched, almost hard laugh. "Do you want the entire list, or just the latest crimes?"

He felt how close to the edge she currently teetered. "I think we've gone over the list before. And any of the latest, consider forgiven."

_What about the soon to be committed?_ She whispered in her mind.

"No, sir-" she shook her head. "I need to do this. What you think of me matters. And I've screwed a lot up lately. I need to make it right."

Bill Adama considered her face, and saw that she truly needed to do this. "Okay."

"I apologize for- the Arrow. For not getting to Cain. For leaving the fleet, and for getting captured-" Here Bill interrupted her.

"Not your fault that you got taken prisoner."

She closed her eyes. "Never would have happened if I wasn't on the planet. And I chose to be on the planet. I chose to stay there, and not here. I chose Sam over-"

Adama's eyes clouded over. "Your husband should take precedence over your career, even if you are Top Gun."

She opened her eyes and looked him straight in the eyes. "Lee."

The half-heard rumors and Lee's reaction to the news of Kara's sudden marriage clicked into place. "Lee," he stated.

"I didn't mean to hurt him. I was trying to save him from me, from the disaster that follows me sooner or later. I thought that if-" she shrugged. "It made sense at the time."

Lee's mood, his distance, his weight gain- the father in the Admiral now saw in a new light and kicked himself that he hadn't seen it on his own. "And now?"

"He and I have already talked it out. I love him, sir, and he's married to someone else. End of story." She needed his eyes. "I won't hurt him anymore by frakking that up for him, I swear."

Adama nodded, although he didn't necessarily agree that letting Lee stay married to Dualla was the best course of action. He had spent far more time observing that marriage then she had, and he had his private doubts that Lee had made a sound decision. Now knowing what he knew, those doubts were reinforced. "He's a big boy. Apparently, he can frak his own life up just fine."

Kara ignored the implications of the comment, just glad that the Admiral wasn't upset with her about getting entangled with his remaining son. "But- if anything should happen to me- there's a letter-" she reached into the front flap of her uniform to extract a crumpled, thick missive labeled _Lee Adama_. "Would you please give this to him, sir?"

Taking it, Bill agreed. "Of course." It was not an uncommon request for pilots, especially in the heat of war.

Kara let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "I'm sorry that I was such a screw-up after New Caprica. That I beat the crap out of Lee. That I'm not the officer or woman you would want for a daughter. And I'm still sorry about Zak."

Adama felt his chest tighten. He still had to tell himself that Zak's death really wasn't Kara's fault. In all honestly, as his son, someone else would have passed Zak on a re-test if Kara hadn't done so initially. She didn't seem to realize it, though, and he realized that he had never explained it to her. "Zak was not really your fault. Someone would have passed him, based on his last name."

Kara looked stricken. "Sir?"

"Unwritten protocol, Kara. My son would have been passed by someone- you might even have been pressured to change his rating before it became public knowledge that he had failed." Adama sighed. "I owe you an apology for never explaining that to you before…I was too upset, and then-"

"It got lost in the mess." Kara nodded. "I still feel it was my fault, sir, but thank you."

Adama kicked back the rest of his drink, still observing that Kara hadn't taken so much as a sip. "And you are a woman I would be proud to call daughter. That hasn't changed. A parent's love doesn't change, no matter what the child does or doesn't do; approval may not be given, but love is never taken back."

The tears began to leak out, despite Kara's best efforts. Adama stood and pulled her into a bear hug. So busy with the running of his ship, he had shoved the loss of Kara and Starbuck as far away from his mind as possible, just so that he could function. The thought that she could have died on that planet had helped spur him on in planning the rescue mission. He was happy to finally have his daughter back.

He released Kara when her sudden sobs died down. Knowing that Kara didn't like to show emotion so openly, he allowed her to escape his quarters very soon after.


	3. Chapter 3

**FIC TITLE**: Maelstorm One Shots/

_Work In Progress_

**Author**- PTBvisiongrrl

**Part-** 3/?

**Date-** 3-12-07

**Rating** – R

**Pairings/Characters**- Lee/Kara

**Word Count- **1074

**Category-** Short Story

**Genre-** Angst

**Archiving-** The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!

**Warnings-** Not really- just language…

**Spoilers-** THROUGH SEASON THREE

**Disclaimers-** _Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…_

**Summary- **Why does Kara give up so easily?

**Chapter Three:**

**Under the Bird**

Kara could feel the eyes of the deck crew on her. Under normal circumstances, she would have bitten their heads off or sent them on their way in fear of the great Starbuck. But circumstances had ceased to be normal sometime after Kat's death. So she simply ignored them.

The deck was the one place on this bucket that still seemed like home to her. She had tried very hard to make Galactica her home again, after New Caprica. But home was with Lee and the Admiral and Helo, and none of them were hers anymore. It left her with a sense of loss, but even more so displacement. Where did she belong? If she wasn't hotshot Starbuck anymore, who was she?

Mrs. Anders? She knew that wasn't it. She was fond of Sam, but nothing more. She sometimes wondered if she was truly able to love, given what her love of the Adamas had led to- one dead, one really pissed, and one married to someone else. And she had long ago ceased to be Socrata Thrace's daughter, although she obviously still bore the scars of it.

To Leobon, she was an object- to be loved, if circuit boards could truly love- and chosen by God for a special destiny. She knew this was definitely not her, because she didn't believe in the Cylon god, and Leobon would die as many times as necessary for her to drive him away for good.

So who she? Was the oracle right? Had she confused the message with the messenger- was it possible that she really was special? Was her mother necessarily wrong about her being special, just because she was wrong about almost everything else in life?

Wrong or not, Kara felt the world had shifted around her, and she knew that she had to find her place in it again. She had done it before- finding vipers, pushing her mother away, losing Zak, sleeping with Lee but marrying Anders. It had never been easy, and she was older and much more tired these days. But she felt the world shifting around her, and knew that things were changing whether she wanted them to or not. She had felt it before, each time.

It was time for her to find a new place. The knowledge made her melancholy.

Her reverie was interrupted by lowered male voices behind her. The deck crew had finally gotten worried, but instead of approaching her themselves, they had enlisted help. She heard his timber above the others, and waited for him to make his way over. "Feeling sorry for me?"

He tried to be the pep-talking CAG, best friend, and lover, all at the same time. "Kara, everyone gets rattled. Even the best." The expression on his face and the tone of his voice was heart-breaking, in a way. He wanted to be so much to her, and she had cut him off at every angle. He still did, even if he didn't want to admit it.

She tried to disarm him, derail the pity train she saw coming. "I'm not going back out there. I don't trust myself." How to tell him that it simply wasn't her anymore? That she was not capable of flying like Starbuck anymore? Or why?

He considered her words. "So trust me. I'll fly your wing."

"The CAG flying my number two? Huh." She considered how happy she would be if it was just that simple, if Lee's mere presence could make it all better.

With more conviction in his voice, Lee nodded. "Whatever it takes."

She knew the words cost him, and cut him anyway. "How are things with you and Dee?"

He stuttered, caught off guard. There were times when they were both able to ignore the fact that they were married to others, slip into old patterns. This had been one of those times, until her question. "Uh…you know. Good." He paused. She could see him considering his next words, almost as if he didn't want to say them, but felt compelled. "No. Better than good. Best they've ever been."

She smiled, waveringly. It wasn't that she still wanted Lee for herself; she knew the time had passed for that, and that she had caused it to pass. Her hallucinations, reminding her of her past and future- because the child she saw wasn't herself, she knew, but a child she might have herself- drove home that she and Lee could never be. Lee was meant to be a family man, the viper pilot who made it out of the cockpit and retired old. She felt it in her soul- as well as the knowledge that she was meant to burn hot and fast and die long before old age. But she still felt a melancholy ache when she considered what things might have been like and mourned the loss.

She could tell that he still felt it, too. She took a step to try and acknowledge that she understood, too. "I'm happy for you. Really. It's funny though…after all we've been through. We're right back where we started. You're CAG and I am your hotshot problem pilot. I guess that's all we'll ever be now, huh?"

The words hurt them both more than either would openly acknowledge.

As he rose and gave her a hand up, the world coalesced into the feel of her hand in his. It wasn't a sensual or personal touch; it was one friend helping another. But his touch confirmed the train of thought she had been contemplating before the Chief had called Apollo down. In that instance, she said a mental goodbye, in her way, and made a decision.

She knows that she can't be with Lee, although she once ached for it to be so. Tonight acknowledged something she already knew- the world was shifting, had begun its movement beneath her a while ago. Her place was unsure. The visions she had been having- and she knew they were visions, not hallucinations, although she would never admit to anyone that she was seeing things- weren't helping. She was confused and lost.

She would fine her place again. She wasn't sure how, wasn't sure when. But when it happened, she would know. She had always recognized it when it happened before. It was almost a physical sensation. She would feel things snap back into place, like catching the trap.

It was only a matter of time.


	4. Chapter 4

**FIC TITLE**: Maelstorm One Shots/

_Work In Progress_

**Author**- PTBvisiongrrl

**Part-** 4/5

**Date-** 3-12-07

**Rating** – R (MOSTLY FOR LANGUAGE AND TOPICAL ISSUES)

**Pairings/Characters**- Lee/Kara

**Word Count- **1226

**Category-** Short Story

**Genre-** Angst

**Archiving-** The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!

**Warnings-** Not really- just language…

**Spoilers-** THROUGH SEASON THREE

**Disclaimers-** _Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…_

**Summary- **Why does Kara give up so easily?

**Chapter Four:**

**Let Her Go**

It felt almost like old times, launching with Lee and flying with him. It made her miss him more than she already did. Her entire life had flying; flying with him was always that much better. The knowledge that she had to be able to fly- that it was the one part of her that still felt like "Kara"- reinforced her earlier decision about the baby.

It was an easy CAP. The blue of the skies were half-familiar, a sight almost forgotten after months in deep space. She and Apollo did not talk much, but she could feel his worry practically vibrate over the com. It was one of his more endearing but annoying qualities. Eventually, she felt his voice tickle her ear. "Starbuck, Apollo. How we doing?"

She bit back a hollow chuckle. Such a mother hen! Trying to reassure him, she said, "Copasetic."

The tension lifted a bit from his voice. "Another thirty minutes and we head back to the barn."

The day was shattered in sections by a speeding metal blur past her cockpit. She cursed. "Dammit. Apollo. One turkey, my right three, level in ten. Ducking in and out of the clouds. Engaging." She went after this phantom metal frakker that only she saw, determined to fry his ass and show Lee that she wasn't loosing it.

To show herself that she wasn't completely loosing it, aside from a few visions.

A quick exchange with the Galactica confirmed Lee's suspicions. He didn't see it, and neither did Draedis. That didn't mean it wasn't there- and that wasn't a platitude. He knew Starbuck was the best pilot he'd ever seen, himself included, and had the best instincts. If she saw it, it was there. That didn't stop his worry that he couldn't see her.

Kara's voice barked in his ear, "Apollo, Starbuck. Weapons hot, committing. This time I'm gonna drag him back and dump his sorry ass on the hangar deck." She sounded deadly serious, not at all unsure or unstable. He knew it had been the right thing, leaving her in the cockpit. Flying with her today was more for her benefit than his; she needed to know that, no matter what had happened between them, he believed in her.

He was getting worried, however, that he still couldn't find her in the cloud cover. "Starbuck, Apollo. I've lost you on Draedis. I'm blind." When she didn't answer, he tried again. "Starbuck, Apollo. I repeat. I've got no sign of you or the Raider." Busy concentrating on the fight, Kara didn't even hear him.

Still radio silence and he began to worry. He'd seen no fireworks, no raider, Where the frak was she? "Starbuck. Report. Starbuck report. This is Apollo do you read me?" Fear crept into his voice. "Starbuck report. Starbuck!" She opened her mouth to respond, and the world around her shattered and went dark.

Kara resurfaced from unconsciousness, wondering how long she had been out. It seemed like forever, but she knew if it had been that long, she would already be dead. The exchange with Leoben echoed in her mind. _You're not Leoben- I never said I was_… Alarms were blaring and oxygen was venting through a hole in her windshield at an alarming rate. In that instance, she felt the world snap back into place.

This was what she had to do, the new path she had been searching for.

The gods had sent her these visions. Whatever her destiny was, it was tied to that frakkin' mandela. The image had followed her throughout her life; it made sense that this life should end with it, as well. She knew now that death was not death, that there was something there in between- and that she needed to find out what it was.

There was a barely a moment of regret for the child in her womb. It was a child she had never wanted, refused to bear. Still, there was a tinge of sadness. More emotion, though, was reserved for Apollo.

No matter how she tried to explain this, in the few moments she had left to speak to him, he would blame himself.

His voice interrupted her epiphany. "Starbuck, Apollo. Lost you on dradis. I say again…I've lost you. Squawk ident. I'll try and get a fix on you. Kara!" The desperation in his voice hurt her, but not for long. She was moving on, and he could not follow. He had to realize that she would be okay, not matter what it looked like. The gods had spoken to her. The gods had shown her.

But he was an atheist. He didn't believe in her gods, any god. She settled on simple reassurance. "Lee? I'm not afraid anymore."

The panic rose in his voice. "Say again?"

Lee followed her as closely as he could, fighting to keep his bird under control and in the air. "All right, Kara. Listen to me. Forget the damn toaster. Climb now or you're dead."

She didn't answer, and he knew that Kara Thrace had already pulled away from him, in a way he didn't understand and had no weapons to fight against. Fear spiked in his chest. "We can still pull out of this. We haven't gone past the point of no return. Kara!"

This was not the first time she had looked death in the face, but she was still frightened. She felt a tremor in her bones, and only her faith in the gods kept her hand from pulling the eject lever. The clouds swirled around her as her bird circled, pulled into the vortex of the mandela. Certainty gripped her- she would not die, no matter what it might look like to Apollo or the Galactica. The gods had a mission for her.

Her mission was not to die on some nameless planet in uncharted space. But the gods needed to know that she understood her destiny, after spending all this time fighting it, before the mission would be revealed to her. She had to let go.

Lee was beside himself. "Godsdammit, where are you? Visual. Visual. Okay. Kara, I'm coming to get you." He was somehow going to save her the way she had saved him so many times. Then she spoke to him, and her voice sent chills up and down his spine.

"Lee. I'll see you on the other side." There was finality in her tone; the here and now was already her past. She was looking beyond it, into the brightness.

"Kara please listen to me…come back," Lee pleaded.

He was going to miss her. He would beat himself up about so much of their past, their misunderstandings. She wished she could give him peace of mind to continue. She settled for a simple request, one that if he had been able to do already, there wouldn't be a child now. "Just let me go."

Anger and recognition of his loss flared hotly in Apollo's tone. "Godsdammit, Kara. You come back. Come back!"

She regretted not being able to better explain to him. The emotion in his voice made tears burn in her eyes. She tried to reassure him. "It's okay. Just let me go. They're waiting for me." And then she heard or saw no more, save an explosion, fierce heat, and her body pulling in all directions at once.


	5. Chapter 5

**FIC TITLE**: Maelstorm Fill-Ins

_Complete_

**Author**- PTBvisiongrrl

**Part-** 5/5

**Date-** 3-12-07

**Rating** – R (MOSTLY FOR LANGUAGE AND TOPICAL ISSUES)

**Pairings/Characters**- Lee/Kara

**Word Count- **1504

**Category-** Short Story

**Genre-** Angst

**Archiving-** The Fallout Shelter, Apollo/Starbuck Fan Fic, All others please ask!

**Warnings-** Not really- just language…

**Spoilers-** THROUGH SEASON THREE

**Disclaimers-** _Unfortunately, I don't own any of these characters, and make absolutely no profit from taking them out to play…_

**Summary- **Why does Kara give up so easily?

**Chapter Five:**

**Mourning Kara**

Lee landed his bird mechanically, not really thinking about what he was doing. Thank the gods it was ingrained instinct for him now, because his mind had shut down except for a mental chant. "_It's no use. Her ship's in pieces. We lost her. We lost her. We lost her." _He didn't think he'd be able to climb out of his viper and stay upright. He barely looked at the end-flight checklist, simply handing it back to Tyrol.

"I'm sorry, sir." Tyrol's eyes glittered with unshed tears. "She was the best there was."

Lee could only nod and drag his body out of the cockpit, heavily stumbling down the steel ladder to the flight deck. It was oddly silent and still, the usual noises of clanking metal, yelled jokes, and the rumble of idling engines missing. The shock of loosing Starbuck had enveloped everyone. Pulling down his flight suit to tie off at the waist, he made his way slowly to CIC. All along the way, he got long hushed glances out the corner of people's eyes and some braver souls gave him openly pitying looks.

He held on to his shock, ignoring the rage building in him with every step. He didn't want to lose it in the hallway. He needed to make his report to his father, get a shower, and hide somewhere away from Dee with a jar or two of the chief's special brew. Lee didn't think he could take a single statement of condolence from anyone.

Arriving in CIC, he steeled himself to look as impassive as possible. A quick glance told him his father was not here; Tigh grunted that the Admiral had retired to quarters. Lee avoided Ana's eyes, and headed there. The noise of smashing wood and shattering glass reverberated through the hatch. Lee hesitated for a moment before knocking on the hatch. "Dad?" he called out once, then a second time louder. In the resulting pause, he called a third time, his voice wavering with suppressed emotion.

He heard his father's heavy footsteps cross the metal decking and the hatch squealed with the force the Admiral used to open it. "Lee-" was all he could say, before Lee stepped through the door and wrapped his arms around him. The Old Man let loose with shuddering sobs that frightened Lee with their intensity, but he answered with tears of his own and a child-like repetitive babble of "We lost her, Dad, we lost her." Lee had lost his best friend and sometime lover; Adama had lost another child.

The two men stayed that way for some time, before Bill heaved a heavy sigh and with a last squeeze drew back to look at Lee. "She's gone, son. She's really gone this time. I can't believe it."

Lee gasped to regain control. "There's no stolen raider bringing her home this time. There is no way she survived that explosion." He sniffled, almost loosing it. "It wasn't supposed to end this way."

Bill suddenly looked much older than his sixty-some years. "There's no other way for a pilot to go, son. If you keep flying long enough, fast enough, its what happens." He lay a hand on Lee's shoulder and squeezed. "I just never thought it would happen to her." He turned and picked his way silently through a mess of broken pieces on the floor to sit on his couch, a bottle of expensive ambrosia sitting next to three glasses. Bill motioned Lee to follow him as he poured out the liquor.

Lee, still gulping for control, made his own way through the shards of destruction across the decking. He sat down across from his father, took a glass, and held it up. "To Starbuck- the best Viper jock I've ever seen, the best friend I've ever had-"

Bill held Lee's eyes. "The woman you loved," he finished for Lee.

Lee wasn't surprised that his father had figured it out. He was surprised that Bill had chosen to say anything about it. Many a time as a teenager Lee had thought that he'd gotten away with something, only to have his father bring it up at a much later and less convenient time. Lee agreed. "To the woman I loved," he repeated, then drank deeply. This was good ambrosia, smooth going down and nicely aged. Placing his glass down and sliding it toward the bottle, he noted, "That's the good stuff. Where have you been hiding that?"

Bill drank his own, then poured another for them both. "This is a bottle I had bought on the last vacation your mother and I took alone together, when you and Zak were little. Your mother and I bought one for each of you, and another for the little girl we hoped to have someday. I was saving it for your wedding days."

"You didn't bring this out at mine and Dee's wedding-" Lee started, the liquor and emotions making his mind slow.

"No, I didn't," was Bill's only answer. "I drank Zak's bottle the night of his funeral, with Kara."

Lee nodded. "This is the little girl you hoped for's bottle."

"No, Tigh and I got piss-drunk on that the day my divorce was finalized." Adama shook his head. "This one was yours."

The thoughts in Lee's brain almost froze. This was too much at once- the loss of Kara, his father's reaction, his own reaction, and now the fact that his father obviously had thought that he should have married Kara, not Dee. He stared at his father, questioning.

Bill rose and straightened his uniform. "I need to go back to CIC. There's a letter Starbuck left with me, to give to you in case anything happened to her. It's in the top right desk drawer. I'll give you some privacy to read it. Then I would like for you to stay and drink the rest of that bottle with me tonight, in Starbuck's honor."

Lee numbly nodded. How could his father be going back to work already? It had barely been a couple of hours. Watching his father's broad shoulders stride out of the cabin, he had to admire the steel will, even if he hadn't always been caught on the right side of it. He sat and sipped at his drink, looking at the desk as if it were a live animal waiting to rip out his heart.

In a way, it wasn't that far off the mark. Gods only knew what Kara had to say to him, and as he stood now, her loss so fresh, he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear it. It took another drink and almost thirty minutes before he felt brave enough to open the drawer; another ten minutes of staring at it before he could touch the envelope; and fifteen holding the thick paper and staring at her easy script across it before he could break the seal.

Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment, he opened the letter and unfolded the pages. He began to read:

_Dear Lee:_

_Kara Thrace loves Lee Adama, and always will. You may not believe that any more, but its true. I also know that I can never have you. I'm bad luck, cursed; I can't be happy, because if I am, something bad happens to the person who makes me happy. That's why I married Sam. He doesn't make me happy, quite, but content. He's safe from the Thrace curse. You aren't._

_But I do want you to be happy. I want you to have the bright shiny future that I am not going to get to have. Find Earth. Build a new home. Have plenty of children to run and play in a big yard. If you happen to have one, name the blond-haired girl after me. I loved you enough that I gave you up. _

_I'm sorry that it hurt you, that I ran away from what we had. But it had to be done, to save you. Don't mourn me too long or too loudly. Dee will get mad, and I don't want to cause anymore difficulty there. Just think of me on occasion, and watch out for the Old Man. _

_Starbuck_

Lee re-read the first line over and over again. She had loved him, she had. And all the games and bad choices were the result of her deeply held belief that she was and always would be a screw-up. Guiltily, he realized that, as much as he had loved her, he himself had done blessed little to break that belief. If only he had, if he'd been braver, if he'd acted sooner, maybe they wouldn't have lost so much time together. In truth, they had had one night, a massive fight, and a few stolen moments. It was all that he would ever have of her, now.

That lonely thought echoed in his still mind, until his father returned hours later and they drank late into the night toasting Kara "Starbuck" Thrace.


End file.
